My Love Language
March 28, 2020
Welcome back, y’all. I hope you are all safe and staying indoors. It seems like the whole world is coming to a halt because of this virus. Many governors have issued stay-at-home orders, shutting down businesses and limiting gatherings to 10 people—even Broadway in New York City went dark. These are truly strange times we are living in. If you are in an area that is under “lockdown” and are bored out of your mind, might I suggest you find some entertainment in my previous posts? I am sure we can all find something to laugh about from the before-time. Feel free to browse through the timeline and leave comments!
For this week, I want to write about something a little more light-hearted, Lord knows we need some distractions nowadays. One thing I am continuing to learn throughout this quarantine is just how important communication really is for us as a species. Now, I am the type of person who prefers texts over any other form of communication. This has everything to do with timing. I can read the message, really digest it, and then come back with an appropriate reply. With voice and video calling, I have to respond right away and constantly be on my toes. The delay is not because I am playing games or anything, at least most of the time it is not. I want to ensure my responses come across as I intended it. I mean, I am a writer, and diction is crucial in my craft.
The beauty of communication is that there are a myriad of forms of it. A couple years ago, I came across a new concept for me: Love Languages. The term was popularized in a 1992 book by the Southern Baptist pastor Gary Chapman The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Now, full disclosure, I have not read this book, only summaries of it. But that is okay, because I am not here to analyze the book. And if I am being perfectly honest, this is not the type of book I would pick up and think, “I might enjoy this.” But then again, I do have a lot of time these days, so I might actually take a gander at it. Instead, I want to use this post to discuss how I have experienced love languages as a concept.
When I first heard about love languages, it was another one of those moments where I knew about the thing intuitively, but not conceptually. What I mean is that I knew people expressed their love for others in their own ways. But I never sat down to think about it, nor how I express my love. Love languages, as a concept, is fairly easy to understand; one part of it is how we express our love for someone else, the other part is how we would like others to love us.
According to the book, there are five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. I think it is worth noting that this book was written with hetero-romantic relationships in mind. But there is more to love than the love between a man and a woman. There is familial love, one of the first things we learn. There is love in friendship. There is romantic love between people of the same sex or gender. “Love” is an all-encompassing word to mean an extreme emotion in a range of situations. At least, that is how I see love. Also, in the twenty-eight years this book has been around, the way we communicate with each other has drastically changed, so it makes sense that the way we communicate love has also changed.
One of the ways I express myself is by writing, which makes sense considering I started a blog. I find words incredibly powerful. We can convey our thoughts and feelings and messages to people through time and space! It is not just the words that matter, but the story they tell. I love sharing my stories just as much as I love learning other people’s stories. It is incredibly important that I can pick and choose words to convey my feelings because diction is key. Writing a letter, or a text, or a note takes time, and during that time, I focus my energy on the recipient. Often, I cannot share quality time with a person face-to-face. But when I am writing, they are the one on my mind. And I love getting a notification that someone sent me a message or snap. Unfortunately, I have not received any thoughtful letters in the mail; my credit card company only sends me lackluster bills. So it makes sense that words of affirmation, quality time, and receiving gifts are stronger love languages for me. Writing encompasses these aspects.
My writings are not “I <3 you” sticky notes I leave in lockers or in lunch bags. I express my love in more subtle ways than that. Back in high school, my friends and I would pass each other notes during class. Eleven years later, I still have those notes folded up into intricate squares with the old cipher, because of course our messages were coded. But reading those notes, I reminisce about the conversations we had and the scenarios we would make up. It seems childish now, the things we were concerned about back then.
I remember back in 2015, I wrote a letter every day for two weeks while I was in India for a wedding. The letters were for an ex whom I was “on again” with, for like the fourth time. I wrote these letters in a small composition book that had maybe fifty pages in total. Before I left, we had joked about writing to each other every day. I told him I would do it, I love to write, but I was not going to mail the letters. They were stories about the different things I was doing, the significance of some of the events, the weather, and my travels. I gave him his letters after I came back from the trip. He had written letters for me as well. They were definitely not as extensive as mine; some days were only a couple of lines long. But the fact that he did this project with me made my heart glad. To me, that is what love is, entertaining my silly notions by writing stories for me.
Apparently, writing letters is a paarambaryam, something that runs in my family. After my parents got married, my dad soon returned to the US. My mom stayed with my grandmother while she waited for her visa. Being the young bride she was and quite possibly madly in love, she decided to write letters to my dad. Mind you, this was back in the late 1980s when landlines were around, but not ubiquitous. Writing letters was still the main way to communicate with each other. In my mom’s first letter, she told my dad that she was going to write 100 letters. By the 100th letter, one of two things would happen: either she would be in the US or he would be back in India. And wouldn’t you know it, she finished her 100th letter on the plane and hand delivered it to my father.
Writing is my way of showing I am invested in our relationship. In a way, I have a relationship with you, my readers. Sure, I may not know who you are or where you are from. But I would love to know more. I am always asking for comments because I want to know your stories. We live our lives as a collection of stories. Sharing those stories, I think, creates bonds. The stronger those bonds grow, the stronger the relationship is. And sometimes, they develop into love. I hope to see you all next week!
- Aemi
